For years now, probably for a good portion of my life; I’ve refused to admit that I suffer from PTSD of any form. That the physical and mental abuse I’ve been through hasn’t effected me as much as everyone else kept assuming it did. That all my depression simply stemmed from my being Bipolar.
However things over the past year have been proving to me that I was wrong and that I can no longer deny it. The most prominent thing that really pushes me over the edge is even anything that reminds me of HER. A girl that for 7 long horrible years (Maybe more, but I’m to lazy to really figure it out at this moment) did nothing but play mind games with me. And due to the fact that she didn’t really have any other friends, I dealt with it. She was very passive aggressive to an abusive point. If I didn’t do what she wanted, even with simple things as answer the phone when she called (Even if I wasn’t able to at the time) She you find ways to make it seem like I was a horrible friend and an awful human being. She’d incorporate some tragic thing whether truth or lie to reinforce the guilt she was trying to push on me. She was over bearing, manipulative and just not a nice person no matter how much she gave me things, wanted me around or anything like that.
Now anytime someone reacts badly to a situation that is out of my control it throws me into a panic and a bout of depression which includes insomnia worse than I already suffer from. The latest incident involved my to be mother in law. I was at my friends house for the night where I don’t get very good reception when I got a phone call from her phone. When I answered it was very choppy and I could hardly understand what was being said. All I knew was that it wasn’t her or my boyfriend calling. I assumed that it was someone using her phone that had accidentally dialed my number. Before I was able to find out my connection dropped. Instead of making myself possibly frustrated by a game of phone tag I set my phone done and walked away from it assuming that if i had been wrong about the call that I would receive another that would lead to a voicemail or that I would get a text. Now because of my phone, voicemails can appear as texts, so when i returned to my phone one was there. I promptly responded to it, explaining what had happened. About 30 mins or so after I had sent the response, I got a message on facebook from the woman telling me that I had hung up on her depressed special needs nephew that was simply trying to get ahold of his hero, my boyfriend. Now I fell at this point I need to point out that;
1. I don’t live with him.
2. I’m in a whole nother state from him 6 days out of the week, if not for two full weeks.
3. She knows both of these things.
4. The time in which I was contacted was roughly 9pm, when he is already leaving for work, in which If I had been at his house, he would have not been there; which she also knows.
But in the message that I received I was told that I was rude and inconsiderate and that I wasn’t worth ever contacting again. Even after I had explained the situation. Now. no big deal right? It was just miss communication, she was already upset and just projected the cause of her already hurt feelings onto me. I’m logical enough to know this. However, it’s still been enough to upset me as well. Mostly because of a few things.
1. There was no way possible that I could of known who was calling me from her phone, even if my service had not been bad. I’ve never been made aware of this nephew nor the regrettably sad situation which was revolving around him. So it is impossible for me to have been doing this to hurt him as she seems to think.
2. She told me that it was my fault that this child was now upset, because of something I had no idea I did, or had any control over.
3. Instead of being an adult and talking through the situation to understand and avoid a fight and possibly fix what had happened; she attacks me verbally and tells me I’m not worth ever speaking to again. Once again, due to something unintentional and accidental.
Now to me, these are all things that this “friend” of mine used to to. She opened with something to make me feel guilt, followed by a way to make whatever she as going through my fault even though I was not involved other than her contact with me being the result she wanted. Then finished with an obvious attack to make sure the guilt stuck in my mind and to reinforce that I had messed up even after having done nothing.
But really the thing that makes all of this even worse, and why it even effected me as much as it did……this is the grandmother to my child who feels she can speak to me this way. If she feels she can treat me like this, I don’t even want to imagine what she’s going to do to an innocent child; especially if she’s harboring a hatred for me.